....you know what?
Things are never going to be perfect.
Sometimes I feel like everything in my life has to be neat, ordered, in its box. And I get anxious because it's just not like that (when is it ever?!!)
The truth is, I am quite a scatty, disorganised person. I'm impusive, happy-go-lucky, and I like living life to the full.
So.....sure there is stuff that needs to be improved. Stuff I can do right now which will make me feel good & less anxious. Especially stuff to do with money.
But all I can do is that, really. Still live life to the full....just maybe with more a degree of caution? More....sensible. I need to drink less, think of my health. I need to eat more healthily.....it may effect my future health. I'm nearly 31! I guess we've all got to grow up sometime.....
So! Here it begins.
Monday, 7 June 2010
The future and minor things like that
So!
I think it's time to do a little assessment of stuff.
I did this way back in 2002 when I felt a bit all over the place. I feel a bit like that now. I can't shake the vague sense of anxiety which is always lurking in the background....and I don't know why.
A lot of it is to do with money, sure. It's the source of most stress round here!
I just need to figure some stuff out..........I guess here is the place to do it.
Stuff that's good
1) Happy, healthy, bright children (touch wood)
2) Strong marriage - we feel like a team
3) Lovely big house - may not be ours but all the space is FAB. Long term let!
4) Near my ma & pa
5) Mike in secure, permanent, well-paid job
6) Now I'm working 2 days a week, I can pay for my outgoings! And have some left over....it's also good to be using my brain once again....
7) Fab social life - loads of lovely friends here & scattered all over the country!
Stuff I think needs improving/doing
1) Need to shift about half a stone
2) Need to do more exercise
3) Need to eat more healthily - eating waaaay too much bad stuff at the mo - need to have 5 a day fruit & veg! Less sat. fat!
4) Money - as always. We're getting there. But our finances still feel like such a mess! I need to keep track of my spending more & not be so crazy.
5) Children's sweet treats should only really be at the weekend
6) Probably need to drink less booze at the weekend - binge drinking is my speciality
Desires for future
1) Find solid, dependable childcare I'm happy with for September for both children, 2 days a week
2) Be a healthy eater who enjoys treats OCCASIONALLY!!!
3) Go on a family holiday once a year - pref. abroad
4) Remember friends and families birthdays and send cards!
Long term
1) Buy house
2) Travel the world
3) Be rich (haha)
4) Go to Ibiza (!!!)
Action plan
1) Eat 5 a day - fruit & veg - starting after Butlins
2) After Butlins start weightwatchers to lose half a stone
3) Find a class to do once a week - Step?
4) Start childcare search - this week
5) Can we afford holiday this year or next? Work it out...
Money
1) Every month, transfer our disposable income into joint account.
2) Check account every other day.
3) NO MORE CHARGES!
4) Could I do some tutoring or something to help clear my debts? Capital One = £800
5) Check Topshop all clear.....
6) Set a weekly budget for me
Ooh! I feel so much better having done that.
I think it's time to do a little assessment of stuff.
I did this way back in 2002 when I felt a bit all over the place. I feel a bit like that now. I can't shake the vague sense of anxiety which is always lurking in the background....and I don't know why.
A lot of it is to do with money, sure. It's the source of most stress round here!
I just need to figure some stuff out..........I guess here is the place to do it.
Stuff that's good
1) Happy, healthy, bright children (touch wood)
2) Strong marriage - we feel like a team
3) Lovely big house - may not be ours but all the space is FAB. Long term let!
4) Near my ma & pa
5) Mike in secure, permanent, well-paid job
6) Now I'm working 2 days a week, I can pay for my outgoings! And have some left over....it's also good to be using my brain once again....
7) Fab social life - loads of lovely friends here & scattered all over the country!
Stuff I think needs improving/doing
1) Need to shift about half a stone
2) Need to do more exercise
3) Need to eat more healthily - eating waaaay too much bad stuff at the mo - need to have 5 a day fruit & veg! Less sat. fat!
4) Money - as always. We're getting there. But our finances still feel like such a mess! I need to keep track of my spending more & not be so crazy.
5) Children's sweet treats should only really be at the weekend
6) Probably need to drink less booze at the weekend - binge drinking is my speciality
Desires for future
1) Find solid, dependable childcare I'm happy with for September for both children, 2 days a week
2) Be a healthy eater who enjoys treats OCCASIONALLY!!!
3) Go on a family holiday once a year - pref. abroad
4) Remember friends and families birthdays and send cards!
Long term
1) Buy house
2) Travel the world
3) Be rich (haha)
4) Go to Ibiza (!!!)
Action plan
1) Eat 5 a day - fruit & veg - starting after Butlins
2) After Butlins start weightwatchers to lose half a stone
3) Find a class to do once a week - Step?
4) Start childcare search - this week
5) Can we afford holiday this year or next? Work it out...
Money
1) Every month, transfer our disposable income into joint account.
2) Check account every other day.
3) NO MORE CHARGES!
4) Could I do some tutoring or something to help clear my debts? Capital One = £800
5) Check Topshop all clear.....
6) Set a weekly budget for me
Ooh! I feel so much better having done that.
Thursday, 15 April 2010
Hmmmmm
Yo yo,
Well it's 12.35pm on a sunny Thursday spring afternoon and William and I have just eaten 5 sausages between us for lunch! We're now watching 3rd & Bird (I HATE this programme....)Sophie is asleep in her buggy in the playroom. Ahhhhh!
We've had such a lovely morning! William and I baked a banana cake for the first time which was absolutely delicious!! I really enjoy baking with William and he absolutely loves it, it's such a fun thing to do together! Then William and I played a pretend cafe game - we made a menu and everything & served his toy cats some play food! Really fun! I read Sophie lots of books so she wasn't too left out. It will be great when she's a little older & we can enjoy these games (and baking!) all together!
The whole Easter break has been great fun actually - it's flown by! Easter weekend was lovely - 'Grad' (Mike's dad Bob) was here and we did lots of fun things like eating out for lunch. Last weekend we went to stay in a cottage in Stroud with lots of our friends and had an absolute blast! We took the kids to a couple of new soft play places and parks which they loved! And this week we've been to the library, visited my friend Sarah in Sturry and played in their massive garden.........it's been great!
The only cloud in all of this fun has been our dreadful financial situation. In a nutshell: we had to ask my brother for a loan of £2K to get ourselves out of the mess we're in and we're waiting desperately for it to clear. What a mess! It's so embarassing. This is never, EVER happening again. We now have a master financial spreadsheet of all our outgoings/incomings and we're keeping track. It is such a relief that from next month we will have a second income - we really, REALLY need it now.
Speaking of which.......I start my new job on Monday!!! ooh, my tummy just did a nervous flip when I wrote that! Eek! Actually, I feel ok about it. Had some serious wobbles earlier in the week - including 1 night when I was awake worrying about it for ages and was actually having nightmares about it! But I made a spreadsheet of all the days I would be working and asked Mike to find out which days he could look after the children, and he can do 9 days!!!! That's loads more than I was expecting!! So I feel more relaxed about it, I think. I'm sure I'll be absolutely bricking it on Sunday, not to mention Monday morning - but I've just got to take a deep breath and get on with it. I'm a good teacher, I think, and I get such a buzz from it - just got to try & focus on that.
I just wish I knew if they were expecting me to do Friday afternoons. That's a whole other issue which I haven't planned for at all!
So, after Sophie wakes up from her nap I think we're going to go out for a walk along the seafront, and in to town to get a few bits & pieces! Feel quite sleepy now but need to stay all energetic....!
Well it's 12.35pm on a sunny Thursday spring afternoon and William and I have just eaten 5 sausages between us for lunch! We're now watching 3rd & Bird (I HATE this programme....)Sophie is asleep in her buggy in the playroom. Ahhhhh!
We've had such a lovely morning! William and I baked a banana cake for the first time which was absolutely delicious!! I really enjoy baking with William and he absolutely loves it, it's such a fun thing to do together! Then William and I played a pretend cafe game - we made a menu and everything & served his toy cats some play food! Really fun! I read Sophie lots of books so she wasn't too left out. It will be great when she's a little older & we can enjoy these games (and baking!) all together!
The whole Easter break has been great fun actually - it's flown by! Easter weekend was lovely - 'Grad' (Mike's dad Bob) was here and we did lots of fun things like eating out for lunch. Last weekend we went to stay in a cottage in Stroud with lots of our friends and had an absolute blast! We took the kids to a couple of new soft play places and parks which they loved! And this week we've been to the library, visited my friend Sarah in Sturry and played in their massive garden.........it's been great!
The only cloud in all of this fun has been our dreadful financial situation. In a nutshell: we had to ask my brother for a loan of £2K to get ourselves out of the mess we're in and we're waiting desperately for it to clear. What a mess! It's so embarassing. This is never, EVER happening again. We now have a master financial spreadsheet of all our outgoings/incomings and we're keeping track. It is such a relief that from next month we will have a second income - we really, REALLY need it now.
Speaking of which.......I start my new job on Monday!!! ooh, my tummy just did a nervous flip when I wrote that! Eek! Actually, I feel ok about it. Had some serious wobbles earlier in the week - including 1 night when I was awake worrying about it for ages and was actually having nightmares about it! But I made a spreadsheet of all the days I would be working and asked Mike to find out which days he could look after the children, and he can do 9 days!!!! That's loads more than I was expecting!! So I feel more relaxed about it, I think. I'm sure I'll be absolutely bricking it on Sunday, not to mention Monday morning - but I've just got to take a deep breath and get on with it. I'm a good teacher, I think, and I get such a buzz from it - just got to try & focus on that.
I just wish I knew if they were expecting me to do Friday afternoons. That's a whole other issue which I haven't planned for at all!
So, after Sophie wakes up from her nap I think we're going to go out for a walk along the seafront, and in to town to get a few bits & pieces! Feel quite sleepy now but need to stay all energetic....!
Monday, 29 March 2010
Work
Hey hey! I know I haven't written in here for yonks but there's lots of stuff going on at the mo & I need to try & make sense of it by writing it down!
So my lovely, lovely children are now 3 and a half (William) and 1 and a half (Sophie). William's been going to nursery 5 mornings a week since last September (he LOVES it!) and he is starting school in September. Sophie is the most outgoing, confident little girl you can imagine and is very very different to how William was at 18 months - he was clingy and needy and wouldn't let me leave his side!!!
So a couple of months ago I realised that after 4 years of being at home I was ready for a change. It was always in my mind to return to work part time at some point, I just wasn't sure when. I miss teaching, I really do, and I miss using my brain. I was never destined to be Housewife of the Year (HATE housework!). Plus our money situation is dire. Me being a home for 4 years has been hard. I am crap at going without stuff and generally like nice things - like going out for lunch as a family at the weekend!
I was casually browsing job websites and came across a 2 day a week teaching job in an infant school in Broadstairs. I ummmed and aaaahhhed about applying but Mike and my mum were totally for it and persuaded me to go for it. I got an interview (which I secretly wanted to get!), had to teach a 20 minute lesson on pirates to a year 2 class, really enjoyed it! Then....I got offered the job!!! Throughout the whole interview & waiting process I had to admit to myself that I did really want the job and was thrilled when I got it!
It's only since that the doubts have really set in. The whole reality of leaving my kids for 2 days a week. Searching for a childminder - something I subconciously vowed I'd never have to do. I was always passionate about being at home wth my kids and not palming them off on anyone else - so it was like changing my whole belief system. I still believe in not going back to work when babies are very small though - and I would never work full time til both my children are at school. But I still can't believe I'm going to be a (semi) working mum.
The anxiety has been getting worse. I start 3 weeks today. My mum, dad and Mike are going to share the childcare until September (am hoping /assuming this job will carry on next academic year....). So the children will not be left with a 'stranger' until they are 2 & 4 respectively - and William will be at school. But still. I am already wracked with guilt. I feel so guilty about so many other aspects of parenting - too much TV, too much chocolate, not enough attention cos I have to do chores....etc etc....so this is just something else to make me feel rubbish! Is it worth it?!
I need to do pros and cons.
PROS
*Only 2 days a week (they want me to do Fri afternoons as well, am going to have to tell them no...) So 5 days a week I will be with them.
* Will be here in all school holidays
* School day finishes at 3pm so I can try & leave as soon as possible afterwards
* Money is the big thing - finances are in such a state. More comfortable lifestyle, no more nasty letters from the bank. Nice holidays. Finally saving for a house! Being able to get really nice food for the kids, fun family weekends and lots of daytrips and stuff in the holidays.
* I get to read/drink coffee on the train!
* I love teaching & miss it
CONS
* Leaving my children. I will leave them early (7.15am-ish) on those 2 days. 2 whole days of not seeing them, playing with them. Someone else will be picking William up those 2 days from school, and Sophie from nursery. Will it affect them? How can I trust the childminder?
I JUST DON'T KNOW! Help.........
So my lovely, lovely children are now 3 and a half (William) and 1 and a half (Sophie). William's been going to nursery 5 mornings a week since last September (he LOVES it!) and he is starting school in September. Sophie is the most outgoing, confident little girl you can imagine and is very very different to how William was at 18 months - he was clingy and needy and wouldn't let me leave his side!!!
So a couple of months ago I realised that after 4 years of being at home I was ready for a change. It was always in my mind to return to work part time at some point, I just wasn't sure when. I miss teaching, I really do, and I miss using my brain. I was never destined to be Housewife of the Year (HATE housework!). Plus our money situation is dire. Me being a home for 4 years has been hard. I am crap at going without stuff and generally like nice things - like going out for lunch as a family at the weekend!
I was casually browsing job websites and came across a 2 day a week teaching job in an infant school in Broadstairs. I ummmed and aaaahhhed about applying but Mike and my mum were totally for it and persuaded me to go for it. I got an interview (which I secretly wanted to get!), had to teach a 20 minute lesson on pirates to a year 2 class, really enjoyed it! Then....I got offered the job!!! Throughout the whole interview & waiting process I had to admit to myself that I did really want the job and was thrilled when I got it!
It's only since that the doubts have really set in. The whole reality of leaving my kids for 2 days a week. Searching for a childminder - something I subconciously vowed I'd never have to do. I was always passionate about being at home wth my kids and not palming them off on anyone else - so it was like changing my whole belief system. I still believe in not going back to work when babies are very small though - and I would never work full time til both my children are at school. But I still can't believe I'm going to be a (semi) working mum.
The anxiety has been getting worse. I start 3 weeks today. My mum, dad and Mike are going to share the childcare until September (am hoping /assuming this job will carry on next academic year....). So the children will not be left with a 'stranger' until they are 2 & 4 respectively - and William will be at school. But still. I am already wracked with guilt. I feel so guilty about so many other aspects of parenting - too much TV, too much chocolate, not enough attention cos I have to do chores....etc etc....so this is just something else to make me feel rubbish! Is it worth it?!
I need to do pros and cons.
PROS
*Only 2 days a week (they want me to do Fri afternoons as well, am going to have to tell them no...) So 5 days a week I will be with them.
* Will be here in all school holidays
* School day finishes at 3pm so I can try & leave as soon as possible afterwards
* Money is the big thing - finances are in such a state. More comfortable lifestyle, no more nasty letters from the bank. Nice holidays. Finally saving for a house! Being able to get really nice food for the kids, fun family weekends and lots of daytrips and stuff in the holidays.
* I get to read/drink coffee on the train!
* I love teaching & miss it
CONS
* Leaving my children. I will leave them early (7.15am-ish) on those 2 days. 2 whole days of not seeing them, playing with them. Someone else will be picking William up those 2 days from school, and Sophie from nursery. Will it affect them? How can I trust the childminder?
I JUST DON'T KNOW! Help.........
Tuesday, 3 November 2009
I'm BACK!!!
Heeeeey! I'm back! No-one will be reading this but I really don't care! In fact I need to change the title...Pregnancy & Toddler Mayhem is no longer appropriate, I'm not pregnant and I now have a preschooler and a toddler!!!
Anyway....I'm well out of the black void I fell into over a year ago! And enjoying life with William (now 3!) and Sophie (14 months!!!). Looking forward to writing in here.....:-)
Anyway....I'm well out of the black void I fell into over a year ago! And enjoying life with William (now 3!) and Sophie (14 months!!!). Looking forward to writing in here.....:-)
Thursday, 25 September 2008
black void
I feel like I've fallen into a black void and can't get out. I've never felt so low. I'm crying even as I write this.
What's gone wrong? I feel inadequate, like I'm not looking after Sophie properly. Although I know deep down I am. I feel like I'm neglecting William-even though I'm spending ages playing with him every day. I wake up with a sense of dread about the day, every day. I feel like there's nothing to look forward to - every night I fall asleep on the sofa about 9pm, before Mike and I can even think about watching some TV. I'm sick of expressing, sterilising, washing up. The house is a mess. I have no appetite and can't even be bothered to wash my hair or put on make up. So I'm a mess too.
I'm totally shutting Mike out. I don't know how to explain how I'm feeling - would anyone understand? I'm lonely and need a support network here in Herne Bay like I had in maidenhead.
I honestly don't know how I've fallen into this black void. But I need to know how to get out.
What's gone wrong? I feel inadequate, like I'm not looking after Sophie properly. Although I know deep down I am. I feel like I'm neglecting William-even though I'm spending ages playing with him every day. I wake up with a sense of dread about the day, every day. I feel like there's nothing to look forward to - every night I fall asleep on the sofa about 9pm, before Mike and I can even think about watching some TV. I'm sick of expressing, sterilising, washing up. The house is a mess. I have no appetite and can't even be bothered to wash my hair or put on make up. So I'm a mess too.
I'm totally shutting Mike out. I don't know how to explain how I'm feeling - would anyone understand? I'm lonely and need a support network here in Herne Bay like I had in maidenhead.
I honestly don't know how I've fallen into this black void. But I need to know how to get out.
Monday, 22 September 2008
Big Fat Failure.com
My oh my, what a 3 weeks it's been! Sophie is now 3 weeks old, having made her appearance in dramatic fashion on the 1st September at 4.44pm in the back of an ambulance....more about that in another entry!!!
I need to write here about her feeding problems. It's making me so sad and I'm not sure how I'm going to get over it.
I was determined to breastfeed Sophie from the start as I had big problems with William and ended up expressing for him for nearly 6 months. In the ambulance after delivery she latched on and all was great - she had another big feed in hospital and I couldn't believe it was actually working! This carried on the first few days and although it take a while every time to get her latched on due to my flat nipples, she managed it for the most part. I wasn't really enjoying it -it was soooo sore - but was really pleased to be breastfeeding the conventional way!
However, on Friday 5th everything went very wrong - I got terrible baby blues and then mastitis kicked in with a vengeance. I had chills and a fever and even missed the big brother final because I was feeling so ill & miserable!! Early on Saturday morning Sophie refused to latch on to the affected breast because it was so engorged, and we had to give her expressed milk in a bottle - which upset me at the time as I hadn't wanted to use bottles until she was a month old.
On Saturday I felt increasingly ill and the midwife sent me to the hospital to get some antibiotics. But they didn't kick in until Monday so the rest of the weekend was horrendous as it spread to both breasts. Sophie then refused to latch onto either side so it was expressed milk in a botte again - it all felt very familiar.
In a nutshell - I began to feel better that following week but Sophie still wouldn't latch so I hired my hospital grade pump and began expressing every 3 hours, like I did with William. But it wasn't quite enough for her every feed so we had to introduce some formula at night - which again made me feel like a big fat failure, I'd wanted to avoid formula until 6 months.
However. Disaster struck yet again later that week when the mastitis came back. I spent another weekend feeling hideous with fever, chills, the whole shebang, and my milk supply began to completely dwindle. I can't remember the last time I felt that ill.
Eventually I couldn't get any milk out of my right side at all - with pump or hand. I still can't. I can express about an ounce and a half from the other side-but that's nothing compared to what I used to get when I expressed for William. I've been desperately trying to get my milk supply up but nothing's working. It took until Thursday to feel better - so that's 12 days of horrible illness.
So Sophie, my beautiful baby daughter, is being mostly formula fed, with a bit of breastmilk on the side. I still feel devastated about this. It's not what I planned at all. I'm not anti formula but I know breastmilk is best. I feel like I've totally failed her by not being able to give her what she deserves. I know it's not my fault - the horrible mastitis ruined everything. But it's going to take me some time to come to terms with this. I feel horribly jealous of people who can breastfeed easily. Why the fuck did I have such problems, both times? Why the fuck did I have to get such severe mastitis?? It's so unfair.
I know Sophie will be fine on formula. She's an unbelievable content baby (touch wood). But it's formula - it's artificial. Breastmilk is so natural. William, at least, guzzled 6 months of breastmilk - albeit from a bottle.
So that's why I'm sad. I've cried so much over this. No point crying now as what's done is done. But like I said, it will be a while before I come to terms with this.
I need to write here about her feeding problems. It's making me so sad and I'm not sure how I'm going to get over it.
I was determined to breastfeed Sophie from the start as I had big problems with William and ended up expressing for him for nearly 6 months. In the ambulance after delivery she latched on and all was great - she had another big feed in hospital and I couldn't believe it was actually working! This carried on the first few days and although it take a while every time to get her latched on due to my flat nipples, she managed it for the most part. I wasn't really enjoying it -it was soooo sore - but was really pleased to be breastfeeding the conventional way!
However, on Friday 5th everything went very wrong - I got terrible baby blues and then mastitis kicked in with a vengeance. I had chills and a fever and even missed the big brother final because I was feeling so ill & miserable!! Early on Saturday morning Sophie refused to latch on to the affected breast because it was so engorged, and we had to give her expressed milk in a bottle - which upset me at the time as I hadn't wanted to use bottles until she was a month old.
On Saturday I felt increasingly ill and the midwife sent me to the hospital to get some antibiotics. But they didn't kick in until Monday so the rest of the weekend was horrendous as it spread to both breasts. Sophie then refused to latch onto either side so it was expressed milk in a botte again - it all felt very familiar.
In a nutshell - I began to feel better that following week but Sophie still wouldn't latch so I hired my hospital grade pump and began expressing every 3 hours, like I did with William. But it wasn't quite enough for her every feed so we had to introduce some formula at night - which again made me feel like a big fat failure, I'd wanted to avoid formula until 6 months.
However. Disaster struck yet again later that week when the mastitis came back. I spent another weekend feeling hideous with fever, chills, the whole shebang, and my milk supply began to completely dwindle. I can't remember the last time I felt that ill.
Eventually I couldn't get any milk out of my right side at all - with pump or hand. I still can't. I can express about an ounce and a half from the other side-but that's nothing compared to what I used to get when I expressed for William. I've been desperately trying to get my milk supply up but nothing's working. It took until Thursday to feel better - so that's 12 days of horrible illness.
So Sophie, my beautiful baby daughter, is being mostly formula fed, with a bit of breastmilk on the side. I still feel devastated about this. It's not what I planned at all. I'm not anti formula but I know breastmilk is best. I feel like I've totally failed her by not being able to give her what she deserves. I know it's not my fault - the horrible mastitis ruined everything. But it's going to take me some time to come to terms with this. I feel horribly jealous of people who can breastfeed easily. Why the fuck did I have such problems, both times? Why the fuck did I have to get such severe mastitis?? It's so unfair.
I know Sophie will be fine on formula. She's an unbelievable content baby (touch wood). But it's formula - it's artificial. Breastmilk is so natural. William, at least, guzzled 6 months of breastmilk - albeit from a bottle.
So that's why I'm sad. I've cried so much over this. No point crying now as what's done is done. But like I said, it will be a while before I come to terms with this.
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