Heeeeey! I'm back! No-one will be reading this but I really don't care! In fact I need to change the title...Pregnancy & Toddler Mayhem is no longer appropriate, I'm not pregnant and I now have a preschooler and a toddler!!!
Anyway....I'm well out of the black void I fell into over a year ago! And enjoying life with William (now 3!) and Sophie (14 months!!!). Looking forward to writing in here.....:-)
Tuesday, 3 November 2009
Thursday, 25 September 2008
black void
I feel like I've fallen into a black void and can't get out. I've never felt so low. I'm crying even as I write this.
What's gone wrong? I feel inadequate, like I'm not looking after Sophie properly. Although I know deep down I am. I feel like I'm neglecting William-even though I'm spending ages playing with him every day. I wake up with a sense of dread about the day, every day. I feel like there's nothing to look forward to - every night I fall asleep on the sofa about 9pm, before Mike and I can even think about watching some TV. I'm sick of expressing, sterilising, washing up. The house is a mess. I have no appetite and can't even be bothered to wash my hair or put on make up. So I'm a mess too.
I'm totally shutting Mike out. I don't know how to explain how I'm feeling - would anyone understand? I'm lonely and need a support network here in Herne Bay like I had in maidenhead.
I honestly don't know how I've fallen into this black void. But I need to know how to get out.
What's gone wrong? I feel inadequate, like I'm not looking after Sophie properly. Although I know deep down I am. I feel like I'm neglecting William-even though I'm spending ages playing with him every day. I wake up with a sense of dread about the day, every day. I feel like there's nothing to look forward to - every night I fall asleep on the sofa about 9pm, before Mike and I can even think about watching some TV. I'm sick of expressing, sterilising, washing up. The house is a mess. I have no appetite and can't even be bothered to wash my hair or put on make up. So I'm a mess too.
I'm totally shutting Mike out. I don't know how to explain how I'm feeling - would anyone understand? I'm lonely and need a support network here in Herne Bay like I had in maidenhead.
I honestly don't know how I've fallen into this black void. But I need to know how to get out.
Monday, 22 September 2008
Big Fat Failure.com
My oh my, what a 3 weeks it's been! Sophie is now 3 weeks old, having made her appearance in dramatic fashion on the 1st September at 4.44pm in the back of an ambulance....more about that in another entry!!!
I need to write here about her feeding problems. It's making me so sad and I'm not sure how I'm going to get over it.
I was determined to breastfeed Sophie from the start as I had big problems with William and ended up expressing for him for nearly 6 months. In the ambulance after delivery she latched on and all was great - she had another big feed in hospital and I couldn't believe it was actually working! This carried on the first few days and although it take a while every time to get her latched on due to my flat nipples, she managed it for the most part. I wasn't really enjoying it -it was soooo sore - but was really pleased to be breastfeeding the conventional way!
However, on Friday 5th everything went very wrong - I got terrible baby blues and then mastitis kicked in with a vengeance. I had chills and a fever and even missed the big brother final because I was feeling so ill & miserable!! Early on Saturday morning Sophie refused to latch on to the affected breast because it was so engorged, and we had to give her expressed milk in a bottle - which upset me at the time as I hadn't wanted to use bottles until she was a month old.
On Saturday I felt increasingly ill and the midwife sent me to the hospital to get some antibiotics. But they didn't kick in until Monday so the rest of the weekend was horrendous as it spread to both breasts. Sophie then refused to latch onto either side so it was expressed milk in a botte again - it all felt very familiar.
In a nutshell - I began to feel better that following week but Sophie still wouldn't latch so I hired my hospital grade pump and began expressing every 3 hours, like I did with William. But it wasn't quite enough for her every feed so we had to introduce some formula at night - which again made me feel like a big fat failure, I'd wanted to avoid formula until 6 months.
However. Disaster struck yet again later that week when the mastitis came back. I spent another weekend feeling hideous with fever, chills, the whole shebang, and my milk supply began to completely dwindle. I can't remember the last time I felt that ill.
Eventually I couldn't get any milk out of my right side at all - with pump or hand. I still can't. I can express about an ounce and a half from the other side-but that's nothing compared to what I used to get when I expressed for William. I've been desperately trying to get my milk supply up but nothing's working. It took until Thursday to feel better - so that's 12 days of horrible illness.
So Sophie, my beautiful baby daughter, is being mostly formula fed, with a bit of breastmilk on the side. I still feel devastated about this. It's not what I planned at all. I'm not anti formula but I know breastmilk is best. I feel like I've totally failed her by not being able to give her what she deserves. I know it's not my fault - the horrible mastitis ruined everything. But it's going to take me some time to come to terms with this. I feel horribly jealous of people who can breastfeed easily. Why the fuck did I have such problems, both times? Why the fuck did I have to get such severe mastitis?? It's so unfair.
I know Sophie will be fine on formula. She's an unbelievable content baby (touch wood). But it's formula - it's artificial. Breastmilk is so natural. William, at least, guzzled 6 months of breastmilk - albeit from a bottle.
So that's why I'm sad. I've cried so much over this. No point crying now as what's done is done. But like I said, it will be a while before I come to terms with this.
I need to write here about her feeding problems. It's making me so sad and I'm not sure how I'm going to get over it.
I was determined to breastfeed Sophie from the start as I had big problems with William and ended up expressing for him for nearly 6 months. In the ambulance after delivery she latched on and all was great - she had another big feed in hospital and I couldn't believe it was actually working! This carried on the first few days and although it take a while every time to get her latched on due to my flat nipples, she managed it for the most part. I wasn't really enjoying it -it was soooo sore - but was really pleased to be breastfeeding the conventional way!
However, on Friday 5th everything went very wrong - I got terrible baby blues and then mastitis kicked in with a vengeance. I had chills and a fever and even missed the big brother final because I was feeling so ill & miserable!! Early on Saturday morning Sophie refused to latch on to the affected breast because it was so engorged, and we had to give her expressed milk in a bottle - which upset me at the time as I hadn't wanted to use bottles until she was a month old.
On Saturday I felt increasingly ill and the midwife sent me to the hospital to get some antibiotics. But they didn't kick in until Monday so the rest of the weekend was horrendous as it spread to both breasts. Sophie then refused to latch onto either side so it was expressed milk in a botte again - it all felt very familiar.
In a nutshell - I began to feel better that following week but Sophie still wouldn't latch so I hired my hospital grade pump and began expressing every 3 hours, like I did with William. But it wasn't quite enough for her every feed so we had to introduce some formula at night - which again made me feel like a big fat failure, I'd wanted to avoid formula until 6 months.
However. Disaster struck yet again later that week when the mastitis came back. I spent another weekend feeling hideous with fever, chills, the whole shebang, and my milk supply began to completely dwindle. I can't remember the last time I felt that ill.
Eventually I couldn't get any milk out of my right side at all - with pump or hand. I still can't. I can express about an ounce and a half from the other side-but that's nothing compared to what I used to get when I expressed for William. I've been desperately trying to get my milk supply up but nothing's working. It took until Thursday to feel better - so that's 12 days of horrible illness.
So Sophie, my beautiful baby daughter, is being mostly formula fed, with a bit of breastmilk on the side. I still feel devastated about this. It's not what I planned at all. I'm not anti formula but I know breastmilk is best. I feel like I've totally failed her by not being able to give her what she deserves. I know it's not my fault - the horrible mastitis ruined everything. But it's going to take me some time to come to terms with this. I feel horribly jealous of people who can breastfeed easily. Why the fuck did I have such problems, both times? Why the fuck did I have to get such severe mastitis?? It's so unfair.
I know Sophie will be fine on formula. She's an unbelievable content baby (touch wood). But it's formula - it's artificial. Breastmilk is so natural. William, at least, guzzled 6 months of breastmilk - albeit from a bottle.
So that's why I'm sad. I've cried so much over this. No point crying now as what's done is done. But like I said, it will be a while before I come to terms with this.
Wednesday, 27 August 2008
Happy 39 weeks, fat face
39 weeks! I can't believe I've made it this far. I feel really content about everything today. Like - it's going to happen soon, so there's no point getting impatient. My only morbid fear is going waaaaaay over my due date and having to be induced. Having to remain in bed through the pain of contractions without moving around, rocking on my birthing ball etc. would be my idea of hell.
There's no signs anything's going to happen yet. Last night the baby was kicking me so hard and wriggling so frantically I thought something might be happening, but no cigar. I had a crap night's sleep though and really should be napping now to catch up. I have the odd cramp here and there, and frequent BHs, but.....that's it. I now have faint stretchmarks appearing under my belly button - escaped getting any with William, so I'm not too chuffed about that.
My face is massive. I appear to have stored fat for breastfeeding in two main places: my thighs, which are absolutely GINORMOUS and my face. I look like I'm storing nuts in my cheeks for winter, like a squirrel. Seriously!
My lovely husband went back to work today after a fantastic week and a half off! We did lots of lovely family things last week. It was so much fun to sit around in the morning, drinking tea, eating shortbread and watching the olympics whilst playing with William. It was William's 2nd birthday yesterday, which was fab except for a minor blip when he appeared to be scared of the mickey mouse cuddly toy we got him - we got him loads of mickey mouse clubhouse stuff, as he's totally obsessed with that show! Anyway we managed to convince him that Mickey was not scary and now he won't be parted from it!!
So for now I'm chipper. Baby has to come out sometime, right? I may not be so chipper if I'm still sat here in a week's time, sans baby. Everyone send labour vibes.....
There's no signs anything's going to happen yet. Last night the baby was kicking me so hard and wriggling so frantically I thought something might be happening, but no cigar. I had a crap night's sleep though and really should be napping now to catch up. I have the odd cramp here and there, and frequent BHs, but.....that's it. I now have faint stretchmarks appearing under my belly button - escaped getting any with William, so I'm not too chuffed about that.
My face is massive. I appear to have stored fat for breastfeeding in two main places: my thighs, which are absolutely GINORMOUS and my face. I look like I'm storing nuts in my cheeks for winter, like a squirrel. Seriously!
My lovely husband went back to work today after a fantastic week and a half off! We did lots of lovely family things last week. It was so much fun to sit around in the morning, drinking tea, eating shortbread and watching the olympics whilst playing with William. It was William's 2nd birthday yesterday, which was fab except for a minor blip when he appeared to be scared of the mickey mouse cuddly toy we got him - we got him loads of mickey mouse clubhouse stuff, as he's totally obsessed with that show! Anyway we managed to convince him that Mickey was not scary and now he won't be parted from it!!
So for now I'm chipper. Baby has to come out sometime, right? I may not be so chipper if I'm still sat here in a week's time, sans baby. Everyone send labour vibes.....
Sunday, 24 August 2008
Why am I so crap at waiting?
So. 38 weeks, 4 days.
Why am I so crap at waiting? I'm so impatient. This is all because I had William at 37 weeks. All throughout this pregnancy I thought minicookie would be early. Once I reached that 37 wk mark this time around, I've been expecting things to happen any day.....which is silly. Most pregnant women wouldn't expect anything to happen for at least another week...........or beyond.
But I'm rubbish. And the waiting is driving me crazy. Every evening I have a whole host of uncomfortable stuff going on down there, including a lovely splitting sensstion on my pelvic floor, strong BH and shooting nerve pains down my legs. It always feels like labour is imminent.....but of course it never is. I've become obsessive about cervical mucus. Which is lovely. It reminds me strongly of the 7 months of TTC last year. I was obsessive about mucus then too.
Quite frankly, being this pregnant It's making me grouchy. I'm sick of getting up 3 or 4 times to wee every night especially.
I am so ready for this. So ready for labour, and so ready to meet my little minicookie. What if I go over my due date? I can't bear the thought. Will I be sat here in 2 wks at 40+4, in a thoroughly foul mood? Aarrrghhhhhhhhhh!
Do I have any other news? I do, but this is a moany, self-indulgent entry, so I'll have to write about that stuff anyother time. For now, there's a tub of Ben & Jerrys with my name on it.
Why am I so crap at waiting? I'm so impatient. This is all because I had William at 37 weeks. All throughout this pregnancy I thought minicookie would be early. Once I reached that 37 wk mark this time around, I've been expecting things to happen any day.....which is silly. Most pregnant women wouldn't expect anything to happen for at least another week...........or beyond.
But I'm rubbish. And the waiting is driving me crazy. Every evening I have a whole host of uncomfortable stuff going on down there, including a lovely splitting sensstion on my pelvic floor, strong BH and shooting nerve pains down my legs. It always feels like labour is imminent.....but of course it never is. I've become obsessive about cervical mucus. Which is lovely. It reminds me strongly of the 7 months of TTC last year. I was obsessive about mucus then too.
Quite frankly, being this pregnant It's making me grouchy. I'm sick of getting up 3 or 4 times to wee every night especially.
I am so ready for this. So ready for labour, and so ready to meet my little minicookie. What if I go over my due date? I can't bear the thought. Will I be sat here in 2 wks at 40+4, in a thoroughly foul mood? Aarrrghhhhhhhhhh!
Do I have any other news? I do, but this is a moany, self-indulgent entry, so I'll have to write about that stuff anyother time. For now, there's a tub of Ben & Jerrys with my name on it.
Wednesday, 20 August 2008
38 weeks!
Just a quickie..I have stuff to do!
So I'm 38 weeks pregnant!!!! For the first time EVER!! It feels like a big deal to me. I can't wait to get her out but at the same time, I know every day in there is beneficial to her....William LOOKED premature at 37 wks, even though he was officially classed as full term! It feels like I might make my due date but I'd really rather not as that's still 2 long weeks away - around 39 weeks would be perfect. I'm so excited about the thought of going into labour....and I'm so ready for it........every time I go to the loo I'm looking for some sign that things are happening. At the same time though I'm so nervous. I just want to do it and get it over with!
I'm weeing a zillion times a night (well ok, like 3 or 4 times.....), constantly shattered and have loads of weird pains down there BUT this week everything is so much easier cos Mike has the week off work....yippeeeee! We braved Canterbury on the bus this morning.....William loved it and pointed out buses, trees, parks, bridges.....it was great! I got fitted for a nursing bra and felt really guilty because I needed a 40E (jeez!) and I've been squeezing myself into a 36DD. AND I've been wearing underwiring.....ooops. The bra I'm wearing right now feels blissfully comfortable. :-)
It was impossible to browse the shops much with Sausage in tow so we made do with wondering round the beautiful cobbled streets and visited the hotel where we got married 4 years ago (which is unrecognisable now as it's so modern).
The big news this week is....William is now sleeping in a toddler bed!!! And he loves it. I had serious apprehensions about the whole thing, not surprisingly. I wanted him to get properly used to it before minicookie was born. I had visions of him getting out multiple times a night or falling out. Or worst of all, hating it so much he refused to sleep in it! But we made a massive deal about it, telling him that cots are for babies and how this is a 'big boy bed' - anything that makes him feel like a grown up is generally a winner. And it worked! He cuddled up to his favourite blue blanket under his igglepiggle duvet and went to sleep! I was gobsmacked and absolutely thrilled! What an easy transition. Just shows that he was obviously ready for it!
Right, better get on. Midwife appointment on Friday - be interesting to see if the baby's enagaged any more (she was 3/5ths 8 days ago) - so I'll update you then..........xxx
So I'm 38 weeks pregnant!!!! For the first time EVER!! It feels like a big deal to me. I can't wait to get her out but at the same time, I know every day in there is beneficial to her....William LOOKED premature at 37 wks, even though he was officially classed as full term! It feels like I might make my due date but I'd really rather not as that's still 2 long weeks away - around 39 weeks would be perfect. I'm so excited about the thought of going into labour....and I'm so ready for it........every time I go to the loo I'm looking for some sign that things are happening. At the same time though I'm so nervous. I just want to do it and get it over with!
I'm weeing a zillion times a night (well ok, like 3 or 4 times.....), constantly shattered and have loads of weird pains down there BUT this week everything is so much easier cos Mike has the week off work....yippeeeee! We braved Canterbury on the bus this morning.....William loved it and pointed out buses, trees, parks, bridges.....it was great! I got fitted for a nursing bra and felt really guilty because I needed a 40E (jeez!) and I've been squeezing myself into a 36DD. AND I've been wearing underwiring.....ooops. The bra I'm wearing right now feels blissfully comfortable. :-)
It was impossible to browse the shops much with Sausage in tow so we made do with wondering round the beautiful cobbled streets and visited the hotel where we got married 4 years ago (which is unrecognisable now as it's so modern).
The big news this week is....William is now sleeping in a toddler bed!!! And he loves it. I had serious apprehensions about the whole thing, not surprisingly. I wanted him to get properly used to it before minicookie was born. I had visions of him getting out multiple times a night or falling out. Or worst of all, hating it so much he refused to sleep in it! But we made a massive deal about it, telling him that cots are for babies and how this is a 'big boy bed' - anything that makes him feel like a grown up is generally a winner. And it worked! He cuddled up to his favourite blue blanket under his igglepiggle duvet and went to sleep! I was gobsmacked and absolutely thrilled! What an easy transition. Just shows that he was obviously ready for it!
Right, better get on. Midwife appointment on Friday - be interesting to see if the baby's enagaged any more (she was 3/5ths 8 days ago) - so I'll update you then..........xxx
Friday, 15 August 2008
Beyond tired
I thought I was in labour last night. I've had about 3 hours sleep. Considering how tired i was yesterday, I am a mess today.
I'd felt weird ever since 5.30pm-ish when the baby was kicking like crazy and I had loads of pressure in my bottom (WTF?!). I went to bed at 9pm cos I desperately needed a good night's sleep - I ended up in floods of tears on the phone to Beaky yesterday afternoon due to tiredness, hormones, etc.
But i couldn't get to sleep. I was having suck strong Braxton Hicks (that I never normally get when I'm lying down in bed) - I just couldn't nod off, even though I was desperate for sleep. I had such strong pressure in my bottom too. Mike was out drinking. After a while I gave up trying to sleep and went downstairs to watch a bit of TV. I knew I wasn't in labout but I thought maybe this was part of the warm up. I managed to get about an hour's sleep from 11pm-12ish before more tummy problems woke me up again, but couldn't get back to sleep after that til - wait for it - 3.30am!! I was down here watching Big Brother on my birthing ball at 2.30am!!
Today, the braxton hicks have completely calmed down. God knows what that all was last night. I'm a wreck today and as soon as William goes for his nap at 12 noon, so am I!
I'd felt weird ever since 5.30pm-ish when the baby was kicking like crazy and I had loads of pressure in my bottom (WTF?!). I went to bed at 9pm cos I desperately needed a good night's sleep - I ended up in floods of tears on the phone to Beaky yesterday afternoon due to tiredness, hormones, etc.
But i couldn't get to sleep. I was having suck strong Braxton Hicks (that I never normally get when I'm lying down in bed) - I just couldn't nod off, even though I was desperate for sleep. I had such strong pressure in my bottom too. Mike was out drinking. After a while I gave up trying to sleep and went downstairs to watch a bit of TV. I knew I wasn't in labout but I thought maybe this was part of the warm up. I managed to get about an hour's sleep from 11pm-12ish before more tummy problems woke me up again, but couldn't get back to sleep after that til - wait for it - 3.30am!! I was down here watching Big Brother on my birthing ball at 2.30am!!
Today, the braxton hicks have completely calmed down. God knows what that all was last night. I'm a wreck today and as soon as William goes for his nap at 12 noon, so am I!
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