Hey hey! I know I haven't written in here for yonks but there's lots of stuff going on at the mo & I need to try & make sense of it by writing it down!
So my lovely, lovely children are now 3 and a half (William) and 1 and a half (Sophie). William's been going to nursery 5 mornings a week since last September (he LOVES it!) and he is starting school in September. Sophie is the most outgoing, confident little girl you can imagine and is very very different to how William was at 18 months - he was clingy and needy and wouldn't let me leave his side!!!
So a couple of months ago I realised that after 4 years of being at home I was ready for a change. It was always in my mind to return to work part time at some point, I just wasn't sure when. I miss teaching, I really do, and I miss using my brain. I was never destined to be Housewife of the Year (HATE housework!). Plus our money situation is dire. Me being a home for 4 years has been hard. I am crap at going without stuff and generally like nice things - like going out for lunch as a family at the weekend!
I was casually browsing job websites and came across a 2 day a week teaching job in an infant school in Broadstairs. I ummmed and aaaahhhed about applying but Mike and my mum were totally for it and persuaded me to go for it. I got an interview (which I secretly wanted to get!), had to teach a 20 minute lesson on pirates to a year 2 class, really enjoyed it! Then....I got offered the job!!! Throughout the whole interview & waiting process I had to admit to myself that I did really want the job and was thrilled when I got it!
It's only since that the doubts have really set in. The whole reality of leaving my kids for 2 days a week. Searching for a childminder - something I subconciously vowed I'd never have to do. I was always passionate about being at home wth my kids and not palming them off on anyone else - so it was like changing my whole belief system. I still believe in not going back to work when babies are very small though - and I would never work full time til both my children are at school. But I still can't believe I'm going to be a (semi) working mum.
The anxiety has been getting worse. I start 3 weeks today. My mum, dad and Mike are going to share the childcare until September (am hoping /assuming this job will carry on next academic year....). So the children will not be left with a 'stranger' until they are 2 & 4 respectively - and William will be at school. But still. I am already wracked with guilt. I feel so guilty about so many other aspects of parenting - too much TV, too much chocolate, not enough attention cos I have to do chores....etc etc....so this is just something else to make me feel rubbish! Is it worth it?!
I need to do pros and cons.
PROS
*Only 2 days a week (they want me to do Fri afternoons as well, am going to have to tell them no...) So 5 days a week I will be with them.
* Will be here in all school holidays
* School day finishes at 3pm so I can try & leave as soon as possible afterwards
* Money is the big thing - finances are in such a state. More comfortable lifestyle, no more nasty letters from the bank. Nice holidays. Finally saving for a house! Being able to get really nice food for the kids, fun family weekends and lots of daytrips and stuff in the holidays.
* I get to read/drink coffee on the train!
* I love teaching & miss it
CONS
* Leaving my children. I will leave them early (7.15am-ish) on those 2 days. 2 whole days of not seeing them, playing with them. Someone else will be picking William up those 2 days from school, and Sophie from nursery. Will it affect them? How can I trust the childminder?
I JUST DON'T KNOW! Help.........
