I feel like I've fallen into a black void and can't get out. I've never felt so low. I'm crying even as I write this.
What's gone wrong? I feel inadequate, like I'm not looking after Sophie properly. Although I know deep down I am. I feel like I'm neglecting William-even though I'm spending ages playing with him every day. I wake up with a sense of dread about the day, every day. I feel like there's nothing to look forward to - every night I fall asleep on the sofa about 9pm, before Mike and I can even think about watching some TV. I'm sick of expressing, sterilising, washing up. The house is a mess. I have no appetite and can't even be bothered to wash my hair or put on make up. So I'm a mess too.
I'm totally shutting Mike out. I don't know how to explain how I'm feeling - would anyone understand? I'm lonely and need a support network here in Herne Bay like I had in maidenhead.
I honestly don't know how I've fallen into this black void. But I need to know how to get out.
Thursday, 25 September 2008
Monday, 22 September 2008
Big Fat Failure.com
My oh my, what a 3 weeks it's been! Sophie is now 3 weeks old, having made her appearance in dramatic fashion on the 1st September at 4.44pm in the back of an ambulance....more about that in another entry!!!
I need to write here about her feeding problems. It's making me so sad and I'm not sure how I'm going to get over it.
I was determined to breastfeed Sophie from the start as I had big problems with William and ended up expressing for him for nearly 6 months. In the ambulance after delivery she latched on and all was great - she had another big feed in hospital and I couldn't believe it was actually working! This carried on the first few days and although it take a while every time to get her latched on due to my flat nipples, she managed it for the most part. I wasn't really enjoying it -it was soooo sore - but was really pleased to be breastfeeding the conventional way!
However, on Friday 5th everything went very wrong - I got terrible baby blues and then mastitis kicked in with a vengeance. I had chills and a fever and even missed the big brother final because I was feeling so ill & miserable!! Early on Saturday morning Sophie refused to latch on to the affected breast because it was so engorged, and we had to give her expressed milk in a bottle - which upset me at the time as I hadn't wanted to use bottles until she was a month old.
On Saturday I felt increasingly ill and the midwife sent me to the hospital to get some antibiotics. But they didn't kick in until Monday so the rest of the weekend was horrendous as it spread to both breasts. Sophie then refused to latch onto either side so it was expressed milk in a botte again - it all felt very familiar.
In a nutshell - I began to feel better that following week but Sophie still wouldn't latch so I hired my hospital grade pump and began expressing every 3 hours, like I did with William. But it wasn't quite enough for her every feed so we had to introduce some formula at night - which again made me feel like a big fat failure, I'd wanted to avoid formula until 6 months.
However. Disaster struck yet again later that week when the mastitis came back. I spent another weekend feeling hideous with fever, chills, the whole shebang, and my milk supply began to completely dwindle. I can't remember the last time I felt that ill.
Eventually I couldn't get any milk out of my right side at all - with pump or hand. I still can't. I can express about an ounce and a half from the other side-but that's nothing compared to what I used to get when I expressed for William. I've been desperately trying to get my milk supply up but nothing's working. It took until Thursday to feel better - so that's 12 days of horrible illness.
So Sophie, my beautiful baby daughter, is being mostly formula fed, with a bit of breastmilk on the side. I still feel devastated about this. It's not what I planned at all. I'm not anti formula but I know breastmilk is best. I feel like I've totally failed her by not being able to give her what she deserves. I know it's not my fault - the horrible mastitis ruined everything. But it's going to take me some time to come to terms with this. I feel horribly jealous of people who can breastfeed easily. Why the fuck did I have such problems, both times? Why the fuck did I have to get such severe mastitis?? It's so unfair.
I know Sophie will be fine on formula. She's an unbelievable content baby (touch wood). But it's formula - it's artificial. Breastmilk is so natural. William, at least, guzzled 6 months of breastmilk - albeit from a bottle.
So that's why I'm sad. I've cried so much over this. No point crying now as what's done is done. But like I said, it will be a while before I come to terms with this.
I need to write here about her feeding problems. It's making me so sad and I'm not sure how I'm going to get over it.
I was determined to breastfeed Sophie from the start as I had big problems with William and ended up expressing for him for nearly 6 months. In the ambulance after delivery she latched on and all was great - she had another big feed in hospital and I couldn't believe it was actually working! This carried on the first few days and although it take a while every time to get her latched on due to my flat nipples, she managed it for the most part. I wasn't really enjoying it -it was soooo sore - but was really pleased to be breastfeeding the conventional way!
However, on Friday 5th everything went very wrong - I got terrible baby blues and then mastitis kicked in with a vengeance. I had chills and a fever and even missed the big brother final because I was feeling so ill & miserable!! Early on Saturday morning Sophie refused to latch on to the affected breast because it was so engorged, and we had to give her expressed milk in a bottle - which upset me at the time as I hadn't wanted to use bottles until she was a month old.
On Saturday I felt increasingly ill and the midwife sent me to the hospital to get some antibiotics. But they didn't kick in until Monday so the rest of the weekend was horrendous as it spread to both breasts. Sophie then refused to latch onto either side so it was expressed milk in a botte again - it all felt very familiar.
In a nutshell - I began to feel better that following week but Sophie still wouldn't latch so I hired my hospital grade pump and began expressing every 3 hours, like I did with William. But it wasn't quite enough for her every feed so we had to introduce some formula at night - which again made me feel like a big fat failure, I'd wanted to avoid formula until 6 months.
However. Disaster struck yet again later that week when the mastitis came back. I spent another weekend feeling hideous with fever, chills, the whole shebang, and my milk supply began to completely dwindle. I can't remember the last time I felt that ill.
Eventually I couldn't get any milk out of my right side at all - with pump or hand. I still can't. I can express about an ounce and a half from the other side-but that's nothing compared to what I used to get when I expressed for William. I've been desperately trying to get my milk supply up but nothing's working. It took until Thursday to feel better - so that's 12 days of horrible illness.
So Sophie, my beautiful baby daughter, is being mostly formula fed, with a bit of breastmilk on the side. I still feel devastated about this. It's not what I planned at all. I'm not anti formula but I know breastmilk is best. I feel like I've totally failed her by not being able to give her what she deserves. I know it's not my fault - the horrible mastitis ruined everything. But it's going to take me some time to come to terms with this. I feel horribly jealous of people who can breastfeed easily. Why the fuck did I have such problems, both times? Why the fuck did I have to get such severe mastitis?? It's so unfair.
I know Sophie will be fine on formula. She's an unbelievable content baby (touch wood). But it's formula - it's artificial. Breastmilk is so natural. William, at least, guzzled 6 months of breastmilk - albeit from a bottle.
So that's why I'm sad. I've cried so much over this. No point crying now as what's done is done. But like I said, it will be a while before I come to terms with this.
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